CURBLOGZ

There are so many things I try to explain but just can’t find words to fit in my description. It’s a hell of a lot race to find it in the doorway of regret that my feelings don’t match up a lot awful times. So to avoid confusion I’m gonna dissect my heart and search down deep this feelings that’s been lurking up inside for so long longing to get out.

No matter what I do I always end up in the wrong direction or the wrong way. I didn’t mean it.No.It’s just like a domino effect that when I started pacing it always starts the wrong way. Now I don’t mean to be rude but this thing is really killing me.

            Have you ever find a girl so cute that you wanna squeeze her cheeks and then kiss ‘em? I did. And it’s not nice. See, I have this thing that when I go face to face with the girl I like, I faint. Yes I do faint and in fact I cannot even speak straight. I started to feel some dragonflies in my stomach and it’s starting to ache like I’m going to have a diarrhea. I mean why do I feel like that? I dunno. All I know is that when I’m in front of her my face reddens, my body shakes, and my skin is colder than a cadaver.

Anyways, it’s not the first time I feel like this. Hell no! See the reason in fact why I always have this sickening sensation traces back to the days of my high school. The days when my hair wasn’t that cool and I wasn’t that cool in general. Well, I wasn’t that popular in high school. Being in a school paper never gets any fame ( most of my schoolmates do not even bother reading it). And I even wonder how I ended up in the school paper when I can’t even write. I mean you have to write big words, cool adjectives, out of this world sentences, and neat paragraphs and I can’t just do any of those. Yessir I can’t. But there I am sitting right next to the big boys of high school journalism as if my brain is as big as theirs! But you know they say that when you’re in love you can easily conquer the impossible just to impress that girl your heart longs. Maybe, just maybe that’s what happened to me. Because she was the editor in chief, my epinephrine just overflows and before I knew it, I had written the most exaggerating feature article I ever did about our history teacher (whom I don’t like anyways. C’mon, who would like a bulky teacher pacing horizontally in front of you talking about Genghis Khan?).

            Yes for three years we’ve been together in journalism (she’s a year ahead of me). She gave assignments and I heartily complied them all. Then I did make it a habit to stay in the office always because that’s also where she’s spending her free time. She talked and I listened and listened and listened. Did I also talk? How could I when my face started to red and my legs were shaking? I barely said hello to her because everytime we met in the hallway, I turned the other way because I just can’t bear the thought of meeting her while I’m walking. I might collapse!

She’s not only a literary girl. She’s also a superb dancer and singer. She’s one of the dance troupe and also a music club member (I don’t know why some school called it "glee club". I mean it’s not like you smile everytime you sing. Or is it?). And yes you guess it right. Though I don’t have the talent for dancing and singing (nope, I didn’t know I can sing like the pros in high school) I did audition. Thankfully enough I was accepted in the music club but the dance instructor was so ruthless enough that she gave up on me. And so I focused my self on music…and on her.

            There ain’t no weeks where I don’t plan on telling her that I liked her but everytime the opportunity knocked, the door banged out on me. And that folks, is always.

So, I spent my high school days stalking her like an idiotic killer and ended up on nothing.

Then the years float like a banana split boat I saw in some stupid movie about a Lavagirl and a sharkboy. But I was even stupider (if there’s such a word. Am I going crazy already?). It’s her last year in school! And I still did nothing. Absolutely nothing!

Then the worst of this is that I found out that she already have a boyfriend. An old soccer player that drives an XLR motorcycle. I didn’t even have a bicycle. All I got is my smuggle slipper (those rubber slippers the old folks called it smuggle and don’t ask me why). My blood boiled the moment I learned that truth and I, for the first time in my life, wanted to kill a person. And that person is not the soccer player but me. Yes me. I was so ashamed of myself I don’t feel like a man. But thank God I didn’t kill myself because if I did then probably it’s my ghost the one typing on this one.

            It took me so long to let it go. And it causes me so much pain that I wrote a song called "Hoping for Nothing" that due to my nervous and emotional beakdown.I spelled ‘hoping’ as ‘hopping’. Believe it or not if I didn’t show the lyrics to my music club adviser, until now that song would be ‘Hopping for nothing’. And I don’t even have the right to write that song because I never tried to tell her. Maybe if I told her how I felt maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. But then again, if I did told her and she said yes and we’re together now, then there’s a big possibility that I will be the father of her two babies now. Why? ‘Cause rumor has it that her libido is beyond normal. And dang man, I don’t want babies! I don’t even want to have sex until I get married cause that’s what the bible says so. Period!

So why am I saying this? Because now I’m in love once again with my classmate. But am I still the same as in high school? Mmmm…mmmm…or it means no I’m not. I have courage now but I am still not courting her not because I’m shy but because I’m not ready. I am in doubt whether what I feel is love or lust and you know what? Lust is a dangerous thing that’s why I don’t play with it. But my heart is weak.Everytime I see her heart tells me its love but also my libido tells me to go have sex with her in my mind. That is a shameful thing to say but hey, it’s the reality. We are all victims of lust that we oftentimes mistakes for love. But you know what? We all can avoid that. How? Just do everything God’s way. And you can only know if it’s His way if you spend time reading your Bible.

            But then again I still faint.

Currently listening : Pickin’ on Rascal Flatts: A Bluegrass Tribute By Various Artists Release date: By 25 February, 2003